I can't believe I am writing a post about toilet paper....but I am.
I rocked up to my local supermarket a few days ago and saw this:
The world is facing life under a new ruler now, the dreaded Coronavirus.
COVID-19 is sweeping across the world and so with it a full blown panic.
Food, medicine and cleaning products are flying off the shelves.
But nothing is disappearing faster than the TP for your bum hole (Beavis and Butthead fans will recognise that line).
Simply put, toilet paper is flying off the shelves at lightning speed because people are anxious that there won't be enough left.
Add to that, hoarders are buying up toilet paper in bulk which leaves little for others.
So, this article will show you what alternatives there are to traditional toilet paper and why you shouldn't panic.
This article is a little 'tongue in cheeks' (yes I did just write that), but hey, you never know how long this is going to go on for!
OK so if you are ready to what your bum can truly get clean with.
(PS. if you buy from clicking the links we are likely to get some cash as they are Amazon affiliate links, so thanks for supporting this blog by doing so as we help you to keep your backside clean)
The First Alternatives
When it comes to alternatives to toilet roll, some are nice, some that are nasty and some that are downright painful.
But in this section, we are talking about the nice ways first. Now you need to use some common sense here....you will need to use water as well with many of these methods.
Remember this isn't a post about glamour. Glamour left us when those selfish swines stockpiled toilet roll!
Yes, while toilet roll is selling out, kitchen roll is the next best alternative, so if you can grab that, it makes for the next best thing.
We have been using them for decades on our kids, well now it is our turn to use baby wipes to clean up.
Call it a 'shit rag' if you like, that's what it is. Keep one for washing and one for drying and make sure you put them in the washing machine regularly.
Bamboo Reusable Towels
Yes, there is such a thing.
Use these towels about 100 times and each time they are washed; they become softer.
Again something we use a lot for children, but they make for superb wiping cloths.
Reusable Toilet Roll
Yes, it's a thing, and yes, you might need some.
Not rocket science I know but using an old top and ripping it up into smaller cloths are an excellent alternative if you are out of loo paper and can't get any.
Gift Toilet Paper
Yeah, so this is still toilet paper, but while the shelves are selling out of traditional loo roll, if you really want to use toilet roll, this is your best bet.
Yes, those things we sneeze into. Go and grab a box now.
OK, so while not ideal, if you have some they work and they are gentle.
Yeah, if you have no loo roll, washing your backside is the next best alternative.
Shower Attachment on bath
Turning your bath into a makeshift bidet for a small price is key to ensuring your backside stays as fresh as a daisy.
If you have bandages or other first aid items you might be able to reuse them with washing.....it just depends on the quality.
Car Waxing Pad
You aren't going to get much use out of a car waxing pad for long....but hey if its soft and washable.
The Next Level Of Discomfort
OK, so we got the nice stuff out of the way, let's go down a notch.
Our backsides might get sore, but heck, we are still going to get cleaned up and remember to use these with washing as well as it is unlikely you will get clean.
Bin Bag/ Refuse sack
Cut a bin bag up into small sheets and don't flush them down the toilet after use.
Plastic Carrier Bag
Same rules apply here, cut it up into toilet roll style sheets.
Yes, we know some are going to be of more use than others just due to general content or lack of.
Grease Proof Paper
Many of you born in the '60s to '80s will recall the toilet paper used in schools, well grease proof paper is the same texture so raid the cooking aisles at the supermarket.
OK, so now we are starting to lower our aspirations.
Traditional paper isn't ideal as it will make you sore, but it is one method when you have nothing left to use.
Yes, a good old leaf might work well...but again we are really scraping the barrel here.
OK, so there you have a our wild and not so wild list of alternatives to toilet roll.
I can't believe I put that post together, I can't believe I had to, but the world is going mad right now, so I had to.
OK, so did I miss anything? comment below and let me know.
And stay safe.